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Big, Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them by Hanne Blank
Reviewed by TammyJo Eckhart
Big, Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them by Hanne Blank is a pretty self-explanatory title. Since very few of us can claim to look like fashion or fetish models, have the body of that heartthrob in the movies or the figure of that hot chick on television, this book might speak to many of us. Likewise, those who think “eat a sandwich” when they watch those ideals prance around will discover that they aren’t alone in their sexual desires.
The table of contents in this Greenery Press book is very impressive and helpful, listing both chapter titles and subtitles. As with all their books, there is no index, so read it all the way through or consult the table of contents. In six chapters and 250-plus pages Blank covers a lot of topics, generally using an online survey (see appendix A of the book) to research common ideas and needs of the intended audience.
Chapter 1 is a solid introduction along with an investigation of some myths Blank has heard about sex and fat people. (Note: “fat” is the word that Blank embraces in this book, not a personal commentary from this reviewer.) First, the Kinsey scale, which most of you are familiar with, is applied to the idea of body size and sexual attraction. This seems fairly straightforward and acceptable, even if it is still just a theory. Frankly, even though I’d say that I have struggled with body issues my entire life, I can’t say that I’ve heard of even half the stereotypes Blank tackles in the bulk of this first chapter.
Chapter 2 looks at how fat people and those who desire them have established communities in these past decades. This includes straight, gay, lesbian, and bi communities as well as trans, kink, poly, and almost any other category you can imagine. These communities are both online and offline. All of these are listed in the resources in appendix B at the end of the book.
How do you meet someone to connect with, either sexually or emotionally or both? This very common question is addressed in chapter 3. Once again Blank tackles every possible venue, including ads, bars, clubs, and online hunting grounds. What makes this chapter really great is her look at flirting and how it can be both difficult to do and difficult to accept, with good suggestions on how to get over these difficulties.
Being big and loving those who are bigger than the ideals can both be difficult in a world that is constantly saying “lose weight,” and thus chapter 4 examines some experiences of fat people and fat admirers. The language and examples are empowering in terms of making the reader feel less alone. The suggestions on how to deal with such cultural and social negativity will seem difficult to put into practice at first, but having friends who have survived the same situations I read about in this chapter has shown me that it is important to learn to ignore and to confront anything that attacks your sexuality.
Chapter 5 turns to the important topic of safety, both sexual and general health. This chapter reminds me of the Moser book on medical care and non-traditional sexualities, because Blank is very focused on each person getting the health information and care needed while not continuing to accept negatives that do not reflect you but the perception of fatness. This chapter is exclusively focused on those of us who are fat.
Finally, the chapter you’re been waiting for: chapter 6 is about having sex, lots of satisfying sex. Some of the information included is very common, but necessary, I believe, simply because it isn’t safe to assume sexual education today, and also because fat people and those who desire them may not have realistic ideas about what they can and can’t do sexually. Guess what? Size may change some things, but it rarely reduces the variety of sex you can have. The chapter could really use some illustrations, however, for the positions that are discussed, to help the reader better visualize the ideas.
There are two big problems with this book. The first is a common complaint of mine, that facts and evidence are not cited — say whatever you want, but if you can’t back it up, it is merely personal theory and not fact in any sense of the word. The next problem really only applies to those who find themselves in only one category of either “fat” or “fat admirer” but not the other. This book switches back and forth between these two audiences on a regular basis, often without a clear subtitle to guide the reader.
Ultimately Blank has done a great job of tackling a difficult subject: sexuality and fatness in world with unrealistic expectations. I’m sure those people who subscribe to a thin definition of sexually attractive or healthy will slam this book, but this isn’t a book for them. If you are healthy and fat, or if you find yourself attracted to others who don’t fit the cultural ideal, then you’ll find this book to be affirming and helpful.
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