 |
|
|
|
I was reading the "Dear Abby" column in the newspaper recently and came across her annually published list of the top fifteen signs of an abuser. In a vanilla context, I agree with her list whole-heartedly, but I couldn't help but smirk to myself (and even get a little turned on) by some of the blatantly kinky activities listed that are actually fairly common fetishes among our types of folk. So I wondered... where do people (kinky AND vanilla) draw the line between abuse and play in their own minds? Why is it that so many people miss it completely, secretly wishing for the "right" kind of abuse while landing themselves in unhealthy relationships?
I couldn't help but think that the dividing line is the core issue that distinguishes our lifestyle as different from the vanilla standard in the first place. It's why we're perceived as cruel, sick and twisted (I'm not saying we're not, but at least we find appropriate audiences with whom to practice our "evil" ways)--the rest of the vanilla world doesn't see us as Dominants and submissives, or Tops and bottoms. They see us as a group of abusers and victims, collectively a bunch of freaks. (I'll give them one out of three, at best.)
I'm going to assume that everyone reading here knows that the difference is a matter of CONSENT. No big surprises there. If you agree to it, it's not really abuse. Vanillas will insist, though, that doormat types will agree to anything, so the potential for abuse is still there, regardless of consent. This is fairly true--I can't count the number of novice subs (and Doms) I've met who think that such unquestioning agree-ability is essential to being a "good submissive." It puts the noobs in a prime position for a potentially abusive relationship because they're looking for certain kinds of "abuse," but are willing to put up with the wrong kinds in an attempt to fit into their idealistic submissive role. This is when this lifestyle gets dangerous--it can give Doms and subs alike a means of justifying their abusive or overly-tolerant ways. These people are aware enough of their needs to come to D/s groups to find their power balance, but not well-adjusted enough to avoid partnering with doormats or abusers. They might get help playing their games, but they won't find the healthy relationship they're looking for.
So, other than using consent as a guide, how do we sort the good abusers from the bad ones? How can we tell the noobs what's dangerous and what's healthy without contradicting ourselves? I propose that we extend the simple answer of "consent" to include something much more complicatedly legal-sounding: In BDSM, it's not abuse if it's mutually communicated consent to engage in purposefully sought activities as a means of sharing an experience or meeting the needs of the persons involved. If we're getting abused, it had better be because we wanted it, we talked about it, we agreed about it, and we're playing with it. Though it may sound odd to an outsider, intentional, one-sided, non-consensual abuse isn't tolerated even amongst people who beat each other for recreation--or at least it shouldn't be.
To help new people better sort out the differences, here's the original Abby text, followed by my BDSM caveats for persons in the lifestyle who might suddenly be afraid that they're in truly abusive relationships:
1. Pushes for quick involvement: An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
BDSM Context: You chat online for a month, meet twice, and you get pushed into a collaring and giving up exclusive rights over both play and life issues. Just like in the vanilla world, this is likely a trap. Good Doms will take the time to get to know you before making an exclusive commitment (and this goes both ways, so don't go pressuring them for a life collar after your second fabulous play session, either).
2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; checks the mileage on your car.
BDSM Context: Having a Dom keep tabs on your whereabouts isn't unreasonable. Neither is it unreasonable if s/he asks you to cut off contact with an ex who causes you heartache or unnecessary drama. But in D/s, this kind of treatment should be a sort of agreed-upon arrangement of protection, not an attempt to smother you. If a Dom gets too heavy-handed in this kind of way, communicate your feelings about it ASAP. Any Dom worth his/her salt should be able to trust you enough not to need to keep this close of a watch on you unless you want it.
3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to do anything.
BDSM Context: Interrogation can be hot, if it's for play or leading up to play. If you ever feel pressured into revealing information you're not yet comfortable revealing, be sure to communicate your discomfort. Keeping all the money might be a good arrangement if the sub is a hopeless spendthrift who needs discipline--but not so hot if it's a means of removing your power as an adult without your permission. As for asking permission, it's not abuse if you both want it.
4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
BDSM Context: Same goes for this lifestyle. Worthwhile Doms are usually more understanding and forgiving of your imperfections than YOU are. It's one thing for a Dom to train you up for better service or to help you meet your goals to become a better person, but only fantasy Doms expect perfect fantasy subs (and fantasy Doms are usually only good at reading books, not dealing with real people). Now, giving you an impossible task as a means of setting you up for desired punishment is a different story...
5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends. Might deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
BDSM Context: Same goes for this lifestyle. If you get your phone taken away because you go over your minutes too often, or you lose car privileges because you didn't follow directions to get the oil changed, or you're discouraged from working because you're recovering from a stress meltdown, it's a bit different than having your partner punish you randomly as a means of positioning themselves to be the only support in your life. Anyone who tries to take you away from your family and friends (if your relationship with them is helpful to you, not traumatic) isn't looking out for your well-being. If someone tries to remove these things and you don't want it to happen, speak up. Quality Doms want what's best for you, not what's going to make you feel trapped and resentful.
6. Blames others for problems: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
BDSM Context: It's more likely that a decent Dom will blame him/herself for everything, whether it's within his/her realm of control or not. After all, a Dom who can't take responsibility isn't really a Dom.
7. Makes others responsible for his/her feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
BDSM Context: Yeah, like the Dom in charge would tell you that you *made* him/her do anything. As long as you don't get held accountable for things that aren't your fault, this shouldn't be a problem.
8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when s/he is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
BDSM Context: Doms can have bad days, too. If they need to rant about the dosage of life's crap that's been handed to them, let them rant... but if they start to take it out on you, they'll need a reminder that you're a sympathetic ear, not a verbal punching bag for their genuine anger. Don't be hesitant to bring it up as a problem and decide on procedures to follow in heated moments so you can handle it together without any abusive habits finding their way into your relationship.
9. Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also might expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability or tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will abuse children.
BDSM Context: Same goes for this lifestyle. They should love the kids and pets, but save the loving beatings for you.
10. "Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
BDSM Context: Exceptions are for people into rape play or feigned non-consent, but these kinds of players talk about it ahead of time so that both parties are being playful, even when they don't look like it. If a Dom is horny and you're not, the Dom should know your buttons well enough to turn you horny without resorting to force. If feigned non-consent or struggle/take-down play is common for you, be sure to have very clear communications so that the Dom can tell the difference between "I'd-like-you-to-conquer-this-brat" time and "No-thanks, I've-been-barfing-in-the-loo-all-day-with-food-poisoning" time. Just because you're in a D/s relationship doesn't automatically entitle the Dom to do as s/he likes with your body until you both agree to those rules.
11. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This might also involve sleep deprivation.
BDSM Context: If you want to be verbally abused because it turns you on, and your Dom knows this, then it's not abuse when it's used for the purpose of turning you on. If it's used to make you genuinely feel badly about yourself, then it's abuse. Sleep deprivation is tricky depending on how both parties define what's enough sleep and what's best for both of you--be sure to talk about it to come to an agreement if this becomes an issue.
12. Rigid gender roles: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
BDSM Context: This sounds like a dream life for some kinksters--they'd feel more abused being sentenced to a cubicle for the next forty years. If you want these kinds of roles, great... but if you have other hopes and dreams and you've been assigned to the kitchen instead, you might want to point out the discrepancy between your ideas of how to make the best use of your submission. Doms should serve to nurture your care-giving and give you a willing recipient of your talents--they shouldn't have to force it out of you against your will (unless you're playing, of course).
13. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.
BDSM Context: This can be great fun in a scene, but not so great in daily life. The roller coaster of bipolar emotion isn't exactly a fun ride when you're thrown onto it unwillingly. If these kinds of mood swings are uncontrolled and unintended, there might be a serious problem. If you suspect a genuine chemical imbalance or disorder, seek professional help.
14. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him/her do it.
BDSM Context: Again, like the Dom in charge would tell you that anyone *made* him/her do anything. And though it's probably good for a Dom to have had experience in beating someone for play reasons, a history of past unwanted physical abuse is a key indicator of instability. You don't want to put your trust in this kind of person to protect your bodily safety at all times, because they obviously can't control their emotions or physical actions while under stress.
15. Threats of violence: Says things like "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way."
BDSM Context: It's rare to find people with a fetish for death threats, so I'd recommend those for your red flag list unless you've both decided to banter with them. Even when playing, it's a bit different to hear a death threat than it is to hear, "Keep it up, and that ass will pay for it later." Other more plausible threats of violence in this lifestyle are not intended to make someone fear for their life or for their physical well-being; they're reinforcers of behavior or anticipation builders for play time, and they're equally enjoyed by both parties. A Dom who's in control will choose controlled words--an abuser will let irresponsible words fly without regard to their effects on others.
I'd like to add my own number 16 here: Neglect. In the traditional sense, neglect is when people consciously withhold affection or attention in order to solicit loneliness and desperation in their partners, pushing them to either feel badly about themselves or compromise their own needs in order to take whatever affection they can get when they can get it. In a BDSM context, this extends to include an intended neglect of a sub's (or Dom's) wishes or boundaries while making him/her think that they'll be addressed at some undetermined time in the future. In these cases, waiting with your mouth shut isn't the best tactic to fix the problem--only communication will get you what you need. Set realistic goals together with realistic time lines, do what you can to meet each others' needs, and talk about it at regular intervals. A relationship without love and affection is a business partnership, not a relationship.
I firmly believe that, in order to thrive, D/s relationships demand fuller disclosure in their communications than do vanilla relationships--but I'm biased. If we're not communicating about our choices of activities at every step along the way, the potential for real abuse sneaks in to ruin the whole party. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
