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It’s an interesting dichotomy to me that I spend so much time among people who are often so open with portions of their lives that most people keep strictly under covers, both metaphorically and literally, are much more private about areas that others take for granted are for public consumption.  It’s rather funny when you think about it.  I’ve touched people in fairly intimate ways, sexual ways, and never knew their “real” name.  On the other hand, maybe what I knew about them was much more real than simple facts like name and address. 

And yet, despite that, discretion matters.  I got a note today from a gentleman, one who didn’t know me at all, but who assured me he was “discreet.”  At the bottom of the email was his full company signature, including name, website, phone, etc.  I found it rather ironic that he was assuring me of his discretion, while demonstrating just how discreet he actually was, which, in my opinion, was not very discreet at all.

“Discreet,” as a word, gets a bad reputation.  Often when someone talks of a need to be discreet, they mean that they’re in a relationship or situation where they can’t risk their interests or connections being discovered.  On the other hand, I often think we would all do better for ourselves if we were a bit more discreet.  I see things online daily wherein someone has chosen to divulge information they really shouldn’t, in a forum where they really shouldn’t.  In effect, it’s a form of written diarrhea on a computer screen.  They feel themselves, I suppose, to be so anonymous behind the screen that they see no need to be discreet, and they also, I think, find themselves to be so fascinating that it doesn’t occur to them that many of us do not find them so.  

So how do you handle discretion in regard to the community itself?  First, bear in mind that different people are in different circumstances and situations.  You may be totally out with nothing hidden from anyone, but others may not be.  If you’re the one initiating contact, too, remember that you have already gotten over that initial small burst of surprise – “Oh, that’s Bob from the munches!” – but they haven’t.  The first thing to take into account is their surroundings.  Are they alone?  Are they with what might be a spouse, a child, a parent?  I might acknowledge someone who’s alone with less delicacy than someone who’s with a group of people I don’t recognize.  

Secondly, it might not occur to you, but the person you met a year ago who’s always been Bob, said his name was Bob, you’ve always called him Bob, might actually be named Tom.  My own slave uses a name that is not his given name.  When he came into this community he wanted a change, he’d never liked his given name, so he chose the name his parents had nearly given him instead.  His almost-given name instead of his given name, as it were.  At our wedding, half of the people were asking “Who’s drew?”  The other half were asking, “Who’s Craig?”  One of the amusing moments was when his eight-year-old nephew was solemnly explaining to his five-year-old sister, “Uncle Craig IS Drew.”  It wouldn’t matter now, because it’s fairly well known that he goes by two names, his family doesn’t quite get it, but you couldn’t “out” him in a bad way by using his name.  Bob-who-is-really-Tom may not be in that position.  I usually find it best not to use a name at all, unless you know the person well enough to know it’s acceptable.

It’s usually best, too, to keep conversations short and non-committal, unless it becomes clear that the other person is not concerned with being outed.  When I ran into people I knew from munches or events in vanilla settings, I did usually, if it was easy and seemed appropriate, say hello.  Sometime it was just catching their eyes, nodding and smiling, so they knew I saw them, and then letting them come to me.  I have no family on this side of the Mississippi, and in fact, only one member of my immediate family living on this continent, and virtually everyone in my life knows that at the very least I have some unusual friends and travel in some interesting circles.  If you come up to me, it’s not going to cost me anything in terms of people knowing more about me than I’d like.  Our friend Bob might not be in the same position.  I might say, “Hey there, how are you?”  I’d not say, “Hey, Bob, how are you, haven’t seen you at a party or a munch for a while, something up?  How’s your submissive, Sally?”

One of the other things that people usually refer to when they talk about discretion is being discreet about what you saw, and heard, and where, and who said it.  If you know there’s a private party to which you’ve been invited, please remember what your mother told you when you were starting to go to birthday parties as a child.  She told you, or should have, anyway, that you didn’t talk about the party at lunch or recess, because maybe not all those people had been invited and it would make them feel bad if they found out they weren’t.  Different people have different gatherings of different sizes for different reasons.  Most of the time, it’s impossible to invite everyone.  If you’ve been invited, keep that information to yourself unless you’re around people whom you also know have been invited.

If you are invited, too, don’t automatically assume that it means bringing along a guest or guests.  Most people will expect you to bring your significant other, if that’s the person – or persons - you usually travel with.  On the other hand, it’s not polite to bring six other guests, too, without asking for specific permission, and making sure that  you ask in a way that the host can say, “Gee, I’m sorry, we’re really tight on space…”

So, you go to a party at Bob’s on Friday night, and you have this really great scene with Sally and her friend Susie, and then you watch another scene where Carol tops Carl and does some really beautiful cutting work with a scalpel.  You want to talk about it, right?  Probably, and there are ways in which you can, and ways in which you shouldn’t.  One of the ways in which you shouldn’t is the way I just did.  You wouldn’t say where the party was, and when, and who in particular did what to whom.  You *can* talk about it, if you’re – here’s that word again – discreet.  What I would say is “I was at a party and watched a great cutting scene.  I played with a couple of people, I had a lot of fun.”  If someone said, do you know anyone who does cutting, I might say, “You know, I saw Carol do a cutting scene once, I thought she was very good at it, you might check with her.”

I lead the Dominants Roundtable, which meets at the same time as the other SIG groups that focus on submissives and switches.  The point of the meeting is gathering with a few other people and spending some time talking in-depth about a topic.  Sometimes relationships come up, sometimes we share things that we might not want to have distributed widely, sometimes we learn something about someone else that’s confidential.  We owe each other the willingness to be circumspect about what we hear.  If Bob comes to a meeting and tells us he’s at his wit’s end in terms of how to handle that new submissive of his, Sally, and that she’s disrespectful and lazy and he ended up cleaning the bathroom after her, it’s not appropriate for me to go home and tell my slave what a loser Bob is and what a brat Sally is.  For one thing, we all tell the truth from our own perspective, no matter how impartial we might be trying to be.  Bob’s perspective might be a bit skewed, maybe there’s part of the story we haven’t heard.  Regardless, though, we need to keep our private conversations private.  It’s very tempting to share that as interesting new gossip, to second-guess Bob and assure the listener that you knew Sally was trouble and that’s why you didn’t take her on.  However, it’s not discreet and it’s not appropriate.  Sometimes we’re bound by the implication of our presence to keep things to ourselves.  If I go to a meeting, I have made an informal promise to the people there that what goes on between us will be private.  

As a dominant, too, sometimes we have to remember that simply because we can do something doesn’t make it right that we do.  I could make a submissive tell me what happened at the submissive’s meeting, perhaps, but it would be wrong of me to do that, because they also made that same promise to the people at the meeting.

In the end, discretion is like anything else.  You should offer it up to others because you’d like to have it offered to you in return.  I’m pretty out, there’s no one I can think of offhand whom I would really care to have find out about my life, if push came to shove.  On the other hand, I’d rather tell them in my time and in my own way.  And what if someone DOES call you by the wrong name, does mention a party, does do something that causes your conservative boss to raise an eyebrow at you, awaiting an explanation?  Remember that there are only a couple of situations where one is required to tell the truth.  I’m generally in favor of it most of the time because it’s simpler, but there are exceptions.  If that boss raises his eyebrow, you might have a couple of handy explanations as to how you know that person – you used to work with her, you dated her sister, she was your neighbor’s babysitter who used to chat with you sometimes, she’s the Avon lady your wife used to use.  Don’t forget, too, if all else fails and you can’t come up with a story, this simple statement can help.  “I have no idea who that woman was. I must look like someone else and clearly, they have a much more interesting life than I do.”