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How to Capture a Mistress by Karen Martin
Reviewed by TammyJo Eckhart
There are two types of “how-to” books in the BDSM market today. The first is very philosophical, making large claims and big statements but with little practical, realistic advice. The second is a hands-on approach that requires the reader to do more than simply read. Karen Martin’s “How to Capture a Mistress” falls into the second category of how-to books.
Let me start with the really good things about this book. First, the idea that one must become ready for a partner, that looking for and then having a dominant partner is a job, is a common idea and, frankly, a very good one. Martin offers several charts that the reader should photocopy and work through, revising as he puts a plan into action.
I almost cheered when Martin repeatedly said to get rid of those romantic notions of finding “the One” and looking for your ideal. I write erotica, but I’m not foolish enough to think I could ever really find one of those fictional slaves I create … some of which I wouldn’t want to find. She spends some time on some of the myths about dominant women and Ds relationships. She also reaffirms some of the fears folks may feel about getting into Ds or Ms dynamics.
However, there were many, many times in the nine chapters of this book where I wrote out: “Give me more examples” or “Proof?” or “Expand upon this idea.” The result is that by the end of every single chapter I felt something was lacking. Whether I felt that I needed more examples of different activities or more personal narratives of how this might work, this constant desire for more information got annoying.
Two sections really needed a lot more information in my not-so-humble opinion. First, the “Consent vs. Abuse” section of chapter two. What is abuse? I felt this needed a stronger beginning definition, because not everyone can see that line between fantasy and reality, and an abuser can wear you down over time. I think each of the pitfalls needed expansion and a differentiation between things your abuser does and things you do to yourself that allow that situation to continue. I have a family member who was in an abusive relationship but was simply told “baby, it’s just SM,” and I saw nothing in this section that could have helped her see the truth of her situation. I also want acknowledgement that abuse can go both ways in any dynamic; how does the man with so much desire avoid becoming abusive?
The other section is in chapter four under the subtitle “Is She a Dominant or Just a Bitch?” There seem to be four or five traits here, and speaking frankly, I would say that most of them do not make someone a bitch. Two characteristics that I think are rather bitchy — lack of empathy and focus entirely on self — are missing from this list. Other criteria she lists, such as low self-esteem and excess baggage, can as easily be a sign of someone who is passive or submissive. The greatest difficulty in this chapter is a definition of “bitch,” which sometimes is used to simply mean a woman who doesn’t follow social dictates; that might describe most dominant women.
I haven’t met Karen Martin, but I do know her slave, whom she mentions in the book. I was really hoping that by the end I’d understand how they found each other, how he “captured” her, and how they live their lives. As with most of this book, I got small amounts of information that just left me asking for more information. This is a good start, but I feel “How to Capture a Mistress” is just the beginning of a how-to book that could be excellent. |
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