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Something I see quite often is a post from a novice that reads something like:
"Hi. I'm brand new to BDSM and I want to find a mentor to teach me about safety and stuff."
I can understand the inclination to search out for a mentor when you're just starting out. I've wanted a mentor before.
Some years ago --- I'd rather not get more specific than that --- when I was still in middle school, I wanted to be a magician. I wanted to master the skills and techniques of the great illusionist. I wanted to astound my friends and family with my skills and talents. I had many books containing magic tricks and I read them all. I could explain away the feats which famous illusionists performed on television. But somehow I didn't feel that I was a magician. My father knew of an amateur magician near where he worked and occasionally I'd see him and I would ask him to teach me how to be a magician. His answer was always the same: "Choose 8 magic tricks from your library, practice them until you can do them well, come to me, show me your tricks, and then I'll teach you some magic."
I always felt I was getting the brush off. Perhaps I was. But he was giving me the right answer. I had no right in asking him to "teach" me if I wasn't willing to first learn the basics on my own. It would have been a waste of both his time and mine.
Back in the 40s, 50s and 60s --- before _Drummer_ magazine, _The Leatherman's Handbook_, _S&M 101_, the Society of Janus, and the Internet --- the only way to learn how to do what we do safely and well was to learn directly from someone else. Mentors weren't someone you *wanted* to learn from. Mentors were someone you *had* to learn from if you were to learn at all. The only other option was trial and error and error could mean disfigurement and death.
But now we have classes, books, magazine, web site, organizations, and conferences were we can get instructions in all manner of safety, tricks, and techniques. Printed resources can give you a complete education. There's a limit to what they can teach you no mater how knowlegeable the author or how well written. One on one instruction is still invaluable --- but not for everything.
So if you're looking for a mentor to teach you about BDSM, my response is this: take some classes, read some books, visit some web sites, and maybe attend some conferences. When you've learned about safety, protocol, and technique then come back to me. Then I'll teach you some magic. |
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