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Often when we talk of safety, we mean how long we can leave nipple clamps on, or how safe suspension is, or the precautions required for fire play. While it's certainly necessary to understand the mechanics involved in the things we do, I think it's more important to remember that the first rule of playing safely is to know the people you play with. That rule applies to both tops and bottoms. We sometime focus so much on the submissive's safety that we forget that the dominant, particularly a female dominant, can be put in a potentially-dangerous position as well.
Does the wonderful new dominant you met online says he's been playing for years, the submissive you're talking to assures you that she is experienced? Then they should be able to provide references that confirm those statements. A reference is NOT an email address to which you can send a note, nor is it a screen name that is not independently known to you. If I wanted to set up false references, it would be easy enough to create both an email address and a screen name for that express purpose. The fact that the other "identity” might be online at the same time proves nothing, either.
An experienced dominant or submissive should be able to provide you with a real person to whom you can speak. You may correspond with someone via email and set up a phone call or a face to face meeting to confirm those references, but you have to have some assurance that this is indeed a different person from the one to whom you've been speaking.
References are, in fact, one reason that attending munches and local events can be so worthwhile. If someone tells you they're active in the community, you should be able to confirm that. It's a valuable thing to have a network you can use to ensure that the person you've been speaking to is what he says he is, that she is the person she says she is. It should also concern you if no one in that network or community knows this person. Perhaps they're not as active or as experienced as they say they are. Being a novice is nothing to be ashamed of, whether you're a submissive or a dominant, but we have a right to expect that we'll be told truthfully what that level of experience someone we’re developing a relationship has.
I encourage people to use munches for one of the primary reasons they exist, which is to offer a safe environment for meeting others who share your interests. If you want to meet someone for the first time, do it at a munch. It's safe, it's open to anyone, and you can see how this person reacts to the community and how the community reacts to them. If you feel uncomfortable with them, you are not alone. You can, and should, go to the host or hostess and let them know. Ask to be walked to your car. Don't hesitate to let the host or hostess know if you have a problem, don't worry that you'll the thought silly or overreacting. Arranging an escort to your car is easy, and prevention is always infinitely preferable to damage control. If you're uncomfortable, that’s reason enough.
I am always wary of someone who will not come to a public function, like a munch. Some people do have valid concerns, but they should be able to tell you what those concerns are. "I'm in the middle of a divorce and my ex could use this against me." Valid, maybe, but do you want to be in the middle of that situation? "I'm too prominent in the community." Possibly valid, but bear in mind that this is likely to mean, too, that this person will always be unwilling to be seen in public with you. And if they ARE truly prominent, they should be willing to explain to you how and why they're prominent. Is he the dean of students at the local university? Is she a physician? A politician? This is a person who wants to establish a relationship with you that requires an enormous amount of trust. While they may have valid reasons for not wanting to identify themselves to you before meeting you, trust is a two-way street.
If, for whatever reason, meeting at a munch or an event is not workable, meet at a public place. I tend to avoid bars, or restaurants attached to hotels because of the message both send to the person I'm meeting. If I’m meeting someone for a drink, I pick a restaurant that has a bar, too, preferably one that is not particularly "romantic." Meeting at an art exhibit or a craft fair would do as well. Pick a place that offers you a chance to talk, not a movie or a concert.
Meet at the location you've chosen. Do not give out your home phone or your address until you're at a point where you would be truly comfortable with that person in your home, because you're inviting them there, if you give them enough information. Caller ID, reverse directories, white pages, etc., all make us much less anonymous than we might choose. When I leave an initial meeting, I make sure that no one is following me and I occasionally take a somewhat circuitous route home, or make a stop on the way. It’s not because I meet anyone whom I believe is not what they say, but because I know I am not infallible, and because the effort it takes for an extra step of safety is so small that it’s worth it to me.
Please let someone know who you're meeting and when and where and when you'll return. I make sure that someone always knows where I'm going and who I'm meeting, as well as making sure that someone I trust has access to any files and emails that might deal with that person. The Internet provides a certain amount of anonymity, but only a certain amount. The person you let know, too, also needs to know enough about you to be able to contact you and then the authorities if you don't return when you expected. Your best friend from the Internet who lives on the other coast may have the best of intentions, but dealing with a missing friend from two time zones away is a difficult proposition. This is yet another reason to be active in a local community, or at least have contacts that are close geographically.
I advise anyone meeting for the first time to make it clear that the meeting is just that, that there will be no play on the first meeting, that it will be a chance to talk, nothing more. Obviously, if you're meeting someone several hundred miles away, that may color your expectations, but make sure that both parties understand that play is not a given, that you are either one free to decide that you do not wish to proceed to that level at that point in time. Holding fast to that rule, too, sometimes saves you from mistakes. I have met people who were very appealing on first meeting, and later turned out not to be so appealing for whatever reason. By abiding by my own rule, I have saved myself from doing something I might have regretted. I also find that, by stating very clearly that the first meeting is no more than that, it allows both of us to concentrate more on the conversation, on the process of getting to know each other, as opposed to wondering about what happens next. Anticipation can be a very good thing, as well, and I have never regretted waiting.
Remember that if a dominant pushes you to play before you're ready, they're unlikely to respect your limits later on, either, and you'll be less able to effectively object if you're bound and gagged. By the same token, if a submissive pushes you to play before you're ready as a dominant, it's likely this is someone who will be quite accomplished at manipulation and topping from the bottom. Set the tone early, make it clear that you do, indeed, respect yourself and expect the same from others, whether you're a dominant or a submissive. A good dominant is not a bully and a good submissive is not a doormat. The relationship is a partnership, regardless of how you agree to handle the power dynamics within it.
Male submissives often seem to forget that they are just as vulnerable as female submissives. Men are not taught to be wary of their physical safety in the same way women are, to see the potential physical threat from others. A man who is 6'4" and weighs 250 sometimes forgets that, once he is bound, he is absolutely at the mercy of the other person. I may not be able to wrestle him to the ground against his will in other circumstances, but once he's allowed me to bind him, his size and strength advantage vanishes and he is utterly vulnerable. It's wise to know the person you allow to put you in that position fairly well, for obvious reasons.
While I don't think this lifestyle attracts more than its fair share of untrustworthy people, the nature of what we do makes the potential for abuse, both physical and mental, particularly serious. It's possible that the blind date that your sister sets up for you will turn out to be someone who lies to you about what he does for a living or how well he treats his mother, but the play partner who lies is a much more frightening proposition.
We all like to think that our instincts and ability to read others is infallible, that we would somehow KNOW that we were dealing with someone truly dangerous. I would imagine that everyone who ever ended up in a bad situation with another person thought precisely the same thing, too.
I meet new people often, and have honestly never had an experience more unpleasant than your average blind date that just didn't work out. But I don't forget that being a dominant does not make me immune to danger. I recognize that caution is warranted in dealing with someone who is essentially a stranger to me. If the person I'm meeting is exactly what he claims to be, he will understand why I take the precautions I take. If he isn't what he claims, then it is especially important I do take those precautions. Don't allow yourself to be rushed into anything before you're ready and know the person you're playing with before you begin to play. That's the best kind of safety to practice.
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